


forgot all prayers (of joining you)

by JessJesstheBest



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, I've never done a coda before be gentle, M/M, Mid-Season Finale, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Prayer, Purgatory, Spoilers, s15 e08 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21782122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessJesstheBest/pseuds/JessJesstheBest
Summary: Dean had forgotten how real and close emotions were when he was here. When he was this close to Cas. When there was nothing between them but time.He wasn’t saying any of this right. His words weren’t working. He couldn’t make his mouth cooperate.But maybe…Or Dean prays to Cas in purgatory.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 206





	forgot all prayers (of joining you)

The portal was only going to stay open for twelve hours.

There was no time for this.

Nothing mattered, not the feelings that came back to Dean – fear, relief, yearning (always the yearning) – not the logistics of how the  _ fuck _ they were supposed to find some obscure fucking flower in all of purgatory. Not the anxiety or hope of seeing Benny again. Not even leaving Sammy a note.

There was no time for this.

He left Sammy a note anyway when he couldn’t get him on the phone: 

_ Gone to Purgatory with Cas to find a flower for the spell Michael gave us. Don’t touch the portal. Or my beer.  _

_ -Dean _

Sam was probably fine. He had Eileen to take care of him and he had her to take care of. They could entertain themselves until he and Cas got back.

They weren’t being paired off like animals on the ark. That was a weird thing for Dean to think.

There was no time for this.

Dean and Cas stepped through the portal, close but not touching. Not even a casual brush of sleeves or Dean putting a hand on Cas’s shoulder to steady him. Dean’s hand flexed while he fought the impulse. He wasn’t allowed to do that right now. Not that he  _ wanted _ to – he wasn’t thinking about it. It was just different than what he was used to. 

Like Cas healing Dean without touching him. Dean hadn’t thought he’d associated being healed with the warm and calloused pressure of Cas’s hand until it wasn’t there. His skin stitched closed but it felt like something was missing. Like he wasn’t actually healed. Not really.

There was no  _ time _ for this, goddammit.

Benny was waiting for them on the other side of the portal.

“Thought this might be you, brother,” he said, devilish smile half quirked on his face, his impromptu purgatory weapon slung over his shoulder. “Welcome back to my humble abode.”

Dean couldn’t help it: he smiled. He reached for Benny, bringing him into a hug. Benny laughed into his shoulder, his own hands coming up to clap Dean on the back. He smelled to Dean like dirt and sweat and monster blood. Which, of course, meant he smelled a lot like Benny and even more like freedom.

He pulled away and Benny clapped him again on the shoulder before turning to Cas. He didn’t extend a hug or even a hand but he did nod. “Castiel. Glad to see y’all found your way back to each other.”

The way that was phrased made Dean go slightly hot and slightly itchy. Benny saw them better than most, having seen them in Purgatory. He’d seen Dean frantic with worry for Cas, praying and searching for Cas for an entire year. He’d seen them by that river. 

But they didn’t have time for this.

“Sorry to say, Benny,” he started. “But this isn’t a personal call.”

“Wouldn’t think it was,” Benny said, his cajun drawl really very comforting. “Not that I don’t love having y’all here but purgatory doesn’t really love having y’all here. A beacon went up as soon as that portal opened” He gestured at the portal and above but Dean didn’t see any kind of beacon. Maybe it was just for monsters. “I got em all before you could come through and I’ve been guardin’ it for ya.”

Dean couldn’t help but grin again. “Kind of you.”

“Ain’t no thing,” he answered back, casually. “Just let me know what you need.”

“Just,” Cas said, speaking for the first time and looking warily at the portal. “Maybe a bit farther from here.”

Dean nodded, looking away when Cas turned to look back at him. Benny looked between them with narrowed eyes.

Dean clapped his hands together to punctuate the moment. “Let’s walk and talk.”

Dean told Benny about the situation upstairs. Well, was Purgatory downstairs from Earth? Sideways? Whichever. He gave him the news on the ground.

Benny nodded along, grunting in confirmation at various points, and then, when Dean was done, Benny gestured between Dean and Cas. “So what’s the deal with this?”

“ _ Nothing _ ,” Dean said, maybe a bit more exasperatedly than he needed to. But he was tired of the questions: Sammy asked about it, then Rowena called it a ‘tiff’. It was fine. Well, it wasn’t fine, but it wasn’t anyone else’s business. “It’s not important,” he said instead which sounded, if possible, worse. “Let’s just focus on this fucking flower, okay?”

Benny shrugged. “You say so, brother. But I already know where this flower is.”

Dean spun to look at him. “What, really?”

Benn nodded. “Yes, sir. And I’ll get it for you. But you boys,” he gestured between Dean and Cas again. “Are staying here.”

Dean snorted. “What, and let you go off alone? No way.”

“I’ve been alone for a while, now, cher. I know how it works. It’s safer for me to go alone than have you two coming along with me, attracting every monster we pass. Better for you two to stay put.”

Cas started to protest, too. “I don’t know if–”

Benny held up a hand and, amazingly, Cas fell silent. “My house, my rules. We’re far enough from the portal now that you shouldn’t meet too much trouble. At least for long enough for me to get this flower and come back. But if you do–”

“Don’t worry,” Dean interrupted. He pulled out his purgatory blade that he’d been keeping safe in his bedroom at the bunker. “I’ve got us covered.”

Benny grinned. “That’s my boy! Now you two sit tight.” His smile turned more into a smirk. “Maybe you can work out whatever’s wrong between ya. Lord knows being back in the place where we searched for his feathered ass  _ for an entire year _ should help.” He looked meaningfully at Dean until Dean’s ears turned red. Then he winked. “Back in a shake.”

He trotted off, whistling as he went, and leaving Dean and Cas standing together, avoiding eye contact, and unsure where to go from here.

Dean cleared his throat. “Look, man, if we’re just waiting around, we don’t  _ both _ need to be here.”

“I’m not going to leave you here at the mercy of every monster in spitting distance by yourself,” Cas answered, firmly, but not looking at Dean. “But you’re right, we don’t  _ both _ need to–”

“I’m not leaving you either, pal.”

Neither of them knew what to say after that.

Dean sighed, heading for the nearest tree and plopping down against it. He hadn’t brought a flask – hadn’t thought he’d needed one – so he pulled out his blade and started sharpening it against a rock, just for something to do.

Dean watched in his peripheral vision as Cas hesitated before making his way over to Dean’s tree and sitting down next to him, back to the bark, close enough to help defend him but not close enough to touch.

So close and yet so far. Dean hated that expression.

There was time for this now. Nothing but time. Dean could think about this. He could remember being in purgatory the last time and being able to focus on nothing but finding Cas, getting to Cas, being with Cas. Even before he knew there was a way out, Cas was his priority. If he was going to spend the rest of forever in purgatory, he’d be damned if he couldn’t do it with Cas at his side.

But Cas was at his side now. But not totally. Not all the way. Not like they’d been.

But Purgatory had done a lot to fix what was broken in them before. Maybe Benny was right: it could do that now.

“I wasn’t expecting you to come back,” Dean said, eyes fixed on his blade. “You sounded like you were serious about moving on.”

“I was,” Cas answered, voice gravelly. No nonsense. “When I said that, I had no intention of ever coming back.” His voice was flat and inflectionless, sounding like it had when Dean had first met him in that barn all those years ago. That didn’t make it hurt any less. “Things change.”

Dean nodded.  _ Things change _ . Like Chuck comes back and Lilith comes back and the world is ending again. The world is always ending. They’ve never been allowed to just be.

Except here.

“I was surprised to see you, is all,” Dean continued. “When I got back from my hunt.”

“Your hunt,” Cas repeated. No inflection. No curiosity. Just affirming Dean had been on a hunt.

“It wasn’t a fun one,” Dean said, not knowing where he was going but  _ needing _ to say it. “Ran into an old friend.”

Cas grunted.

“I say friend,” Dean continued, voice strained. “He was a little different than that. He was a hunter. Dad loved him: best fighter he’d ever seen. Lee.” Dean swallowed. “I had to kill him.”

The silence hung on those words. Dean’s grief. His exhaustion. Dean wasn’t even sure Cas was listening.

But then Cas spoke, softer than he’d been before. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean let out a gasp, half laugh, half broken sob. “Yeah.”

Dean had forgotten how real and close emotions were when he was here. When he was this close to Cas. When there was nothing between them but time.

He wasn’t saying any of this right. His words weren’t working. He couldn’t make his mouth cooperate.

But maybe…

_ I loved him _ . Dean thought. But not like a thought for himself. A thought for Cas. He prayed and the prayer was the words Dean couldn’t say.  _ I loved him and that scared me. And I resented him because he was a better son for my dad than I was and I hated him because he loved me back and I didn’t know what to do with that. And I hate him now because he hurt me. He made me feel like we could be okay, that everything could be okay. That I could leave the life and open a bar and sing rock songs in front of a crowd of people who will cheer for me. That they could cheer for me and this other guy being together and being happy. He made me want these things and think I could have these things and then he made me kill him. And I can’t have those things. And I don’t know how to deal with that. _

Dean didn’t know if this was working. He didn’t know if this would be enough of a prayer for Cas to hear him. But he couldn’t stop.

_ It hurt. I was so knocked down, and then I saw you, back at the bunker. I saw you came back home. And I didn’t know what to do with that either. Because I am so goddamn lucky to have you in my life, Cas. I’m so happy and lucky that you’ve put up with me for so long. When you told me you were done, I was expecting it. I’ve been waiting for you to be done with me for years. Because I don’t deserve you. _

Dean swallowed, tears welling up in his eyes. He felt weak and cowardly not being able to say these things out loud. Even now after everything. Even here, in purgatory, which was kind of like their place. Cas deserved to hear them out loud.

Dean took a deep breath, leaning his head back against the tree and closing his eyes, his blade gripped loosely in his lap, forgotten.

_ There is no excuse for what an asshole I’ve been to you. Telling you I was pushing you away so I had a reason when you finally left isn’t enough. Telling you I had to keep you at arms distance because I was afraid what would happen if I got too close isn’t enough. I took out my grief for mom and my anger at Chuck on you and you didn’t deserve that. You deserve so much better – better than me, better than this garbage world, better than any of it. _

_ But I love you too, Cas. And you deserve to know that. Not just when one of us is dying. Not just when I tell you we’re family. But for real. Owning a bar together real. _

_ I’m sorry for never telling you that. I’m sorry I can’t say it out loud now. _

_ I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry I’ve never treated you like you deserve. _

_ I’m sorry I’ve pushed you away. I’m sorry I couldn’t let you go. _

_ I’m sorry you’ve shown time and time again that you’ll give anything for me and I haven’t shown you the same. _

_ I’m sorry about Jack. I’m sorry about the angels. I’m sorry about your grace. I’m sorry about God. _

_ I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry _

Dean’s thoughts were interrupted by Cas’s hand moving on his, turning his palm face up so he could hold it in his.

“I’m sorry.” Dean said, his voice a grunted whisper.

Cas didn’t say ‘I know’ or ‘It’s okay’.

He didn’t say ‘I forgive you,’ or ‘I love you, too’.

He squeezed Dean’s hand. ‘I hear you’, said with a clasping of fingers rather than a movement of lips.

Dean opened his eyes and turned to look at Cas. Cas, for the first time in months, was looking back.

Dean felt like he could breathe again. He was healed.

They had nothing but time for this.

It was a start.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I did one of the lowercase titles (like this) lol  
> This is a fandom writer milestone.
> 
> [Rebloggable version](https://saywhatjessie.tumblr.com/post/189650343950/forgot-all-prayers-of-joining-you)


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